Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
