new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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