My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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