no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
