Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
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