I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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