When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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