Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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