4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
