cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
