she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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