Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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