Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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