So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
