i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
