Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
