all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
