At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
