you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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