someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
