you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Let's get the cat blown out
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
