My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
did i just pee glitter
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