You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
