The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
