Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
