wrigley field is MILF paradise
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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