I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Who died my cat blue again?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
