i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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