Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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