if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
