Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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