i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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