Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
