You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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