oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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