no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
that may or may not have been my penis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
