chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
