You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
