So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
