What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
