first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
