Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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