I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
