Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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