someone owes me an orgasm
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Are we still banned from the library?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
