You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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