Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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