Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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