I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
