Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
