Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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